The uncertain case of Jeevan Das

(Disclaimer: The following work is purely fictional. I do not mean to offend anyone by writing this. This could have happened in any court in any country. Perhaps it is only the names that are Indianised. I leave it all to your imagination. No more preambles. No meandering narratives. On with the story then.... )

Judge: This court has been called to decide upon the case of Jeevan Das vs State of *** with directives that it deliver a speedy judgement as it involves parties who have very high holdings in our society. The public prosecutor Mr.Roy will argue on states behalf.
(turning to the accused)
You have been accused of the theft of a bicycle of Bobby, pampered son of our village Panchayat head. How do you plead, guilty or not guilty ?

Jeevan Das: Not guilty mi lord.

Audience: (Gasp!!)

Judge: Very well. Who will represent you in the legal proceedings?

Jeevan Das: No one mi lord. I will argue on behalf of myself. And yes the public prosecutor will assist me.

Public prosecutor: What the f**k !!!
(judge glares at him) Ahem. Sorry your honour. I apologize for using cuss words in the esteemed court. But as a public prosecutor, I am not legally bound to assist the accused. I request your lordship to instruct the accused to refrain from making such statements.

Judge: Mr. JeevanDas, you are not to make such statements. Do you not know how the judiciary works ? The public prosecutor cannot be of any assistance to you. If you want to proceed without a lawyer, you may do so. But I hereby prohibit you from making such absurd claims.

Jeevan Das:  Apologies mi lord. I will make no more such claims, though I still stick to what I claimed earlier.

Judge: Alright, alright. Let the public prosecutor begin his thing. Whatever it is that his thing is.

Public prosecutor: I'm sure you mean that I begin my prosecution your honour.
(coming to Jeevan Das - who has in the meanwhile been sworn on Gita or some other similar tome)
Will you please state your name and occupation to the court ?

Jeevan Das: Well I'm Jeevan Das, and I'm the president of Kleptomaniacs Anonymous.

Public prosecutor: Mr.Jeeven Das, when I say occupation I mean what do you do for living ? His lordship probably knows that the presidency of Kleptomaniacs Anonymous is not an office of profit, considering that lordship himself has held the post previously.

(judge appears to be looking towards the ceiling, whistling lowly)

Jeevan Das: Well then, by daylight I am a swindler ; and a thief by night.

Public prosecutor: Aha!! Your honour, I think this statement itself should be suffient to convict the accused for the crime, don't you think ?

Jeevan Das: Mi lord, I said I am a thief, not a successful thief. If my knowledge of law is correct, I cannot be convicted if it isn't proven that I've ever successfully stolen something, right ? Besides, the aforementioned robbery took place in broad daylight.

Public prosecutor: Well allright. I have a witness who has, as you may have guessed, witnessed you stealing the cycle. I request your lordship to allow me to present the witness to the court.

Judge: Summon the witness.

Public prosecutor: I call upon Bobby, the grievant.

(Bobby enters)

Public prosecutor: Bobby, do you identify the person standing as the accused?

Bobby: You mean the guy in the silly wig? Why he's my dad's friend and drinking mate. Namastey Uncleji !!

Public prosecutor: Hush!! That's the honourable judge.. And here he's no one's friend. I meant that one (points to Jeevan Das)

Bobby: Oh.. Hey, I'd identify that guy anywhere. He's the rascal who stole my bicycle. Arrest him!! Why's he standing.. (prosecutor whispers) Oh, sorry.

Public prosecutor: So Bobby, please narrate to the court what happened on that fateful day.

Bobby: Well I took out my cycle for a ride to the market. That turned out to the last time I rode it.. Well actually I rode it once more on my way back...
And then I parked it in my compound and went inside the house to have lunch.I came out and saw that the cycle had dissapeared. Just outside the gate, I saw this man Jeevan Das escaping with my cycle.

Public prosecutor: Thank you Bobby. That evidence should convince his lordship about the accused.

Judge: Hmmm.. Jeevan Das, do you have anything to add?

Jeevan Das: I have one question to ask the witness mi lord.

Judge: Ask away then.

Jeevan Das: (turning to Bobby) You say that you saw me escaping on you cycle. Can you tell me the exact speed with which I escaped ?

Bobby: Well I could say the approximate speed was around 25Km/h

Jeevan Das: Approximate.. See mi lord, he does not even know the speed with which I sped away after allegedly stealing his bike. I say that his entire story is fabricated.

(meanwhile Public prosecutor nudges Bobby so hard in his ribs that he yelps)

Bobby: No.. No.. I can tell you the exact speed.. Mi lord, he escaped with my bike at an exact speed of 24.6 Km/h

Jeevan Das: How sure are you of that?

Bobby: I completely certain.. I swear on it..

Jeevan Das: In terms of percentage??

Public prosecutor: Objection Your honour, this is highly irrelevant question...

Jeevan Das: Very relevant mi lord as I shall shortly explain.. Please Mr.Bobby how certain are you?

B: (now vehemantly) 100%.. I'm 100% sure of the fact that you escaped at 24.6 Km/h..

Jeevan Das: Ah! Thank you Bobby and thank you public prosecutor.. That is all I need to prove my innocence..

Judge, Public prosecutor and Bobby: (all together) What the f**k @#$@ ?!?

Jeevan Das: Yes.. I'm sure you must have heard of Heisenbergs uncertainty principle.. Well it states that: the position and velocity of an object cannot be measured exactly at the same time!! This means if Bobby is 100% sure of my speed/velocity he must be totally unsure of my position at that time. Thus you cannot take his evidence that I was there at that time. That is all mi lord..

(Almost everyone who was capable of speech in that court gave out a loud groan. One lady screamed and fainted. Donkey brayed somewhere. Or it was the other way round. Govinda slapped someone..

And ofcourse - Jeevan Das walked free)