Friday, March 5, 2010

Lord of the Mutreeks - Return of the Ring

Somewhere in middle-earth the sun is beating the hell out over vast treeless desolate plains. Two figures are trundling along, in silence. The taller of the two is an old man, possibly ancient. He looks so old that it might have occurred at first glance as though he had already died once (perhaps he has, who knows). The other is a shorter, curly haired being. A story cannot proceed if one of them will not start speaking shortly. So, the old man starts the conversation.

"Young hobbit, would thee look in ye baggage and fetch meself something to eat?", asked the old man.

"Gandalf, stop talking in such a stupid style! I'm sick of it. And don't talk to me as though I'm a 2 year old, for Gods sake", cried the one who was called hobbit.

"What stupide style art thou speaking of? Why dost that make thee sick? Did thee consume something heathen on ye way yonder?", the older one called Gandalf asked with attempted concern in his voice. But it sounded as though he was doing this deliberately. And enjoying it.

"Oh, for the last time Gandalf, quit it.. Quit it before I..", began the hobbit, but then...

"Well well well, if it isn't Gandalf the White and Frodo Baggins. What a pleasant surprise!!", it was an elfish looking man.

"Yo Elrond!! Wassup dawg..", shouted Frodo the hobbit cheerfully, forgetting all his irritability about Gandalf. Elrond the elf-man just nods. But Gandalf is wary. He is glaring at Elrond. Elrond notices this.

"Yes, I think you know Mr.Gandalf.. I see that look on your face, that you recognise me now. Well, I won't hide it any longer. I am Smith. An agent Smith", sneered the elf-man known as Elrond.

"What the hell are ya speaking of dude? An agent? Of what?", cried Frodo, looking from Elrond to Gandalf and back.

"Perhaps my appearance should clear up all doubts" It was coming from a man in a dark suit. He was also wearing a pair of sunglasses. Frodo gawks at the new entry. Yank off his sunglasses, and put him in an elvish garb and why, he's Elrond!! Frodo opens mouth, closes, opens it again and still makes no sound. Look on his face is of utter shock.
(Let us call this new entry Smith#2. Elrond then naturally becomes Smith#1 – by the virtue of being earlier in the order of appearance)

"Now that we know who I really am", said Smith#1, "Well atleast Mr.Gandalf does. The other numbfuck (gesturing towards where Frodo stood looking - well - gaping still) will take some more time before his filament heats up. I think it would be wise to get on with some more introductions."

"So where do we start, Mr.Gandalf or should I call you Mr.Eric Lehnsherr a.k.a Magneto, hmmm?", said Smith#2. Now it was Gandalf’s turn to look shocked.

"We know more about you than you think we know. You also go by the identity Grouchonomanas isn't it?", sneered Smith#1.

"Grouchy who??", ventured Frodo recovering a little.

"The one who's standing there looking grouchy now", said Smith#2 now also sneering.

"Why did you do it?", asked Gandalf, "You were an immortal when you were Elrond. Why give it all away to be what, a freelancing agent?"

"Hmm.. Now that you ask", replied former Elrond (Smith#1), proceeding to put his hand into his pocket.

Gandalf suddenly looked even more wary. The tip of his staff started glowing white.

"Easy old man. I was just removing this", said Smith#1, removing a rectangular piece of paper from his pocket.

"And we know, it's a 1500W bulb you've got there mounted on that staff for special effects. Wanna bet what happens when environmentalists get a wind of that? Someone like Pachauri or God forbid Arundhati Roy? The great Gandalf using an energy inefficient light bulb!!", sneered Smith#2

"Anyway, getting to answering your question", said Smith#1 pushing a photo across to Gandalf. It was the picture of a scrawny hideous looking elf whose head looked like someone had mistaken it for a football and accidentally kicked it around when the owner of the head had accidentally slept in the football field.

"Not exactly pretty was I?", said Smith#1. "That was before I accepted the offer to become an agent Smith. Besides, I still have retained my immorali.. Oops immortality if you're so concerned about that"

Frodo had recovered almost completely by then. He asked, "So you (pointing to Smith#1) became him(Smith#2)? What’s that supposed to mean? You two are one and the same?!?”

"So naive Mr.Baggins", replied Smith#1. “Let me put it more clearly. He(Smith#2) is a self-made man, while I am man-made elf”

“Oh”, is all Frodo manages.

“None of that still explains what brings you here”, asks Gandalf pointing around as though he is showing some guest around in his private vegetable garden.

"Don’t we all like to know that, hmmm? “, replies Smith#2. “Sadly the truth is that I got pwned by a certain hacker called Neo. As a result I got annihilated. However, that it seems is not the end for me. I was blasted off into a parallel universe. There are infact many other worlds, parallel universes, each stacked on the top of the other. After the climax of any trilogy, the characters are often shunted off into such vortexes of existance. Some however alternate between several such existances"

"Your companion Gandalf knows about all this. He has been living under several identities in several such universes. You wanna know how we came to know about your Magneto act, Mr.Gandalf? Want to know who squealed on you? It was Mystique...", says Smith#1 grinning.

Gandalf mutters something that sounds very much like "Bitch"..

"Anyway. You must have met the Orcs of Mordor the Uruk-hai in your own version of the world",said Smith#2. "Ah so you have.. Right..", he smiled seeing the look of terror on Frodo's face. "It so happened that the commander-in-chief of Uruk-hai was also blasted off into a parallel universe along with his entire army when, as a result of destruction a certain ring courtesy Mr. Baggins with a little help from a certain Gollum, the army of orcs was annhilated. By an amazing chance of sheer coincidence, he landed in the same world as myself"

"Being loners, we found solace in each other. Narrated our stories to each other and when I got to the point where I transformed the life of former Elrond, the orc guy gets all exited. You see, he had heard of Elrond, who's dazzling beauty paled in comparison to that of the orcs. But he had never understood the secret of how ugly little Elrond suddenly appeared more... ah.. charming", said Smith#2

"When he did, however he requested us to transform all of his army into more better looking gentlemen", continued Smith#1, "to which we gladly agreed. So to answer your question of why we're here. Yes, we're here to transform the Uruk-hai army into an army of Smiths. Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha", laughs Smith#1. Smith#2 joins him in laughter..

"Wait a minute", said Frodo. "You're here to transform means.. Mordor Orcs are here ?!?"

More grins.. Smiths nod at the same time. "Someone's finally catching on. Yes, the orcs are here, you are here, we are here", says Smith#1.

"Ow man!! I risk my life and all to destroy a silly ring, some evil villian and his entire army to boot, and I find that I still end up in some sick parallel universe where Mordor Orcs still exist. Shit man..." wails Frodo. "Smith.. Tell me quick. What about Sauron? He's not here is he?"

"Ofcourse he is here. And guess what Mr.Baggins, the ring that you destroyed in your own world. It is here in this world too. Ha-ha-ha", laughed Smith#1.

"Hobbit. You know what this means. We have to destroy the ring. Another quest!!", cries Gandalf.

"Ow man!! Ow man!! Ow man!! Not again....", wails Frodo..

And just then another man in dark overcoat lands amidst them, wearing dark shades(and apparently more good looking than the vain Mr.Smiths) Smiths scream and cling to each other in terror.

"Guess who else is back as well, bitches", says the dude they call Neo...

(to be continued.. perhaps..)

No comments:

Post a Comment